but God, do you know about this?

{this is me being real before my Father in heaven as i process my fleshly desires until i ultimately surrender them. may you be set free to engage with Him, to pour out your heavy heart to the One who can do something about it.}

God,

i find myself in this place again where i have believed You and have witnessed You do great and wonderful things, but here i stand looking ahead and my mind begins to wonder if You have what it takes to finish this. i find myself running a list of things by You as if You have no idea.

but God, do You know that our traveling photographer friend’s visa ends in july?

but God, do You know that the kids will be at camp june 29-july 3 and wouldn’t be here if we came home those days?

but God, do You know that we won’t know anything new until june 5 and might have to book tickets in a week’s time and how much tickets are to book last minute and how rare it would be to get seats together then?

but God, do You know that a friend I’d like to see in delhi would be out of town june 17-24 and I’ve been waiting over a year to meet her and bring her goodies from the states?

but God, i’ve been praying for favor for years with the passport officials and it appears it will have taken a few weeks from the date of application to the date of appointment before they can even look through all the necessary documents to begin the process?

but God, summer is short as it is and i want to make the most with all four kids home together to bond before they return to school in august.

but Shauna,

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red light, green light

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i can go for blocks in our city with constant going and stopping at octagon shapes nailed to a post on the right.

my brain naturally gets used to the rhythm.

go….stop…go…stop. wait for the other car. go.

so much so that when i come upon a traffic light after a string of the other, i sit at it like it’s an octagon shape.

{it usually takes a honk from another car or a kid voice behind me saying, “go, mom.”}

i’ve gotten used to the reds.

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daughter {an adoption insight}

“a girl restored to life and a woman healed”

 

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just the subtitle of the story within the Story could be a subtitle to the story i deeply believe God is writing in me.

“a girl restored to life and a woman healed”

that’s what marks the story found in the Gospel.

i just had to sit back in my chair and let the wow-ness of this wash me head to toe.

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flashback: monday, june 30.2014.

on the back porch of our once-upon-a-season-rental home tucked at the dead end of our san francisco neighborhood with the sun shining hot and glorious, i sat with Bible perched open. those were desperate days in the midst of the denial of k.

i read this passage.

Mark 5.23 recorded the girl’s story. “‘my little daughter is at the point of death. Come and lay your hands on her, so that she may be made well and live.'”

Mark 5.34 recorded the woman’s story. “and He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.'”

both were called daughter.
called daughter by Jesus.
both daughters affected by the delay that day.

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tiptoe

 i tiptoe into this year.

i peek around its corner, apprehensive.

so much of yesterday, 2014, is still holding my heart.

fears still grip my chest with anxiety, though i wish i were like others who just took a full cannon ball plunge into their new year.

i look all around at what others are doing as if i have an option of stepping into 2015.

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“nah,” i tell the new year.

“you go ahead without me. while 2014 brought the darkest hour my soul has ever encountered, at least i can look back at it. i can’t see into 2015. call it dark. call it light. call it a blank page. it’s unknown and uncertain and makes my heart palpitate irregularly.”

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i appear to have been doused with a bucket of anxiety and fear. i peek around the corner drenched in it. i’m a soppy mess.

they still have their party hats on from the night before. their hair still in place because they didn’t sleep on it long.

they’re resolutions are probably typed up or written in calligraphy.

i can’t see past yesterday. and yesterday was a hard and trying year.

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i’m tired.

really, i’m tired of guessing what might happen and what i’ll lose control of.

instead of walking, plunging, tiptoeing into 2015, i’m gonna put a momentary effort into one destination and make it as far as i can into my Abba’s arms.

hoist myself up into His lap and take a deep breath. then i’m gonna let Him dry me off, calm me down, and speak over me.

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 because what i need more than anything else, is a momentary reminder that He’s not taken His eyes off of me.

that as i peek around the corner, He’s got the whole block covered.

i need to not care about my approval rating from anyone else, but put all that energy into gaining wisdom and walking obediently.

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He alone can quiet me with His love and rejoice over me with gladness. {Zephaniah 3.17}

i am going to leave my doubts with Him and exchange them for the faith adventure i started out on 30 years ago.

with His constant breathing in me, i’m choosing to believe Him and not the scary voices coming from the dark.

put me in the category with the folks in psalm 107.27-31:

“they were at their wits’ end, then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. they they were glad that the waters were quiet and he brought them to their desired haven. let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love.”

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it’s not as if i had a choice to hang back in 2014 {though my nostalgic self always prefers the past over the future.}

i’m in 2015 with you and the rest of the human race.

it’s just that tiptoeing has allowed me to ease into what just might be the best year yet.

{not what you were expecting to read at the end of this post, right? i know. i began with such a debbie downer}

but amidst all the apprehension dripping off of me, God was beyond faithful in 2014.

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  i certainly want to be a different person come end of this year, but i have to get there in chunks. i’m just chewing on the next three months, not the entire year.

january through march.

that’s as far as i am looking.

expect when i dream of tucking my little girl in her bed in several months or dropping off my oldest at middle school in the fall.

i just swallowed the words from cover to cover in a borrowed book, “The Three Big Questions for a Frantic Family” by Patrick Lencioni.

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 and i’ve got my rallying cry for the next three months and that is to get home ready for K.

this will affect our eating habits, our marriage, our family time, our schedule, and my time.

but having a goal to achieve over the next few months that causes my whole family to grow stronger?

i’m all in. tiptoes and all!

whether you tiptoed or jumped right in, make this the best year yet. and it’s best achieved in living out what God already has waiting for you.

happy new year friends.