a love letter to my daughter {a post to be revisited}

{originally posted february 15.2014. now i read it and my faith is made sight. oh thank You, Jesus. the fight was worth it. yet, i still call to You to do wonders in her heart and mine. we've got some catching up to do!} sweet girl,

it comes as no surprise that i'd write you. i've been talking to Jesus daily about you for almost two years now. your name is on my lips throughout the day - either in a prayer uttered to Jesus or in my mom voice wanting to tell you something because you are in the very room with me.

my love for you grows stronger with each passing day and today is one of those days when it weighs my heart down into my gut. i'm longing so to have you right beside me. that's why my heart is heavy, k. but i know what to do. and that's to talk to Jesus even more about you. it's just that He knows how much i love you and i want you to hear those words from me…from my lips. my frustration quickly turns liquid and puddles in my eyes.

k, i want to be the one that covers you up at night. to scratch your back and whisper, "i'm glad i'm your mom." to kiss those perfectly round cheeks of yours and tell you for the umpteenth time that day, "i love you."

i want to paint your nails, all twenty of them, like i see other moms do for their daughters in a hotel somewhere in your country - just after we meet, when we're still trying to figure out this mother-daughter thing.

i want to be attached to the arms that you run to when you're overly happy or absolutely sad.

all those 'ah-ha' moments that are left to be had in this life, i want to experience them together.

all this love for you has grown so in my heart. that's where God has put you for now. that's where i first felt you. the pulls, the kicks, the tossing and the turning. my heart has felt your movement in the same way my tummy has felt the movement of your three brothers.

what i hold of you right now is flat and 4 x 6. it's of the one day a photo was taken in one of the three outfits i hear you wear. my dear one, you are the most beautiful girl i have ever seen. your dark eyes draw me in. your posture seems to show your gentle spirit. the light from your face sparks hope and it should. because our Jesus is singing over you and He has a plan for your life. He's the one who is quieting you with His love on those nights. though you've probably never heard His Name, He is with you. i know that brings me the greatest comfort for you.

don't give up on me, k. i'm doing everything i know to do to get to you as quickly as possible. i'm fighting for you. i'm asking Jesus to do battle against any wicked or evil powers that are keeping us apart. the days of waiting are long, i know, sweetheart. but hear me, k. it's just going to make our meeting each other all the sweeter.

you matter so much. k, you are valued. you have great worth. my longing for you to be adopted into our family, to be my daughter, to be a pilgreen forever - it's a picture of what Jesus is doing in His pursuit of us. you are worth everything to Him, sweet girl! He's pursuing you with a love deeper, richer, and more extravagant than mine. and i think mine is pretty strong! He's so passionate about you. He will stop at nothing to win your heart to Him.

oh, i need to tell you something pretty amazing. your best friend who is now here in the states with her forever family has heard of Jesus and is talking to Him about you daily, too. that's right, k. she's not letting one day go by without praying you home either. how great are His plans for you!

you're worth so much to Him. oh, sweet girl, i can't wait to tell you about Him - to speak the Name of Jesus to you for the first time. while we are the ones who want to hold you and love you here on earth - my desire is to show you One Greater who has adopted you and me into the most amazing family - HIS. it's because of Him that i have this incredible love for you.

a love that believes i will see you soon. a love wrapped up in hope. a love that is crazy and tear-stricken and tickled wild about you.

while now i can only put it in typed words and uttered prayers, a day is coming when i will say these very thoughts to you face to face. and that will be one of the greatest days of my life.

…now, i'm stalling. i don't know ever how to end a letter or a prayer for you. i will leave it at the best words i can give you.

i love you.