but God, do you know about this?

{this is me being real before my Father in heaven as i process my fleshly desires until i ultimately surrender them. may you be set free to engage with Him, to pour out your heavy heart to the One who can do something about it.} God,

i find myself in this place again where i have believed You and have witnessed You do great and wonderful things, but here i stand looking ahead and my mind begins to wonder if You have what it takes to finish this. i find myself running a list of things by You as if You have no idea.

but God, do You know that our traveling photographer friend's visa ends in july?

but God, do You know that the kids will be at camp june 29-july 3 and wouldn't be here if we came home those days?

but God, do You know that we won't know anything new until june 5 and might have to book tickets in a week's time and how much tickets are to book last minute and how rare it would be to get seats together then?

but God, do You know that a friend I'd like to see in delhi would be out of town june 17-24 and I've been waiting over a year to meet her and bring her goodies from the states?

but God, i've been praying for favor for years with the passport officials and it appears it will have taken a few weeks from the date of application to the date of appointment before they can even look through all the necessary documents to begin the process?

but God, summer is short as it is and i want to make the most with all four kids home together to bond before they return to school in august.

but Shauna,

why do you doubt?

why do you toss and turn and let these worries rattle your mind?

why do you question Me?

but God, i am trying to help You with this so that it works according to my schedule and what i think is best for my family.

but God, i've got this all figured out. here. i've even got it typed out in a google document that we can share.

but Shauna,

My plans aren't revealed to you yet. they are higher and greater and better and are more far-reaching than you can plan.

when I called you to this journey with Me, I had no intentions of walking away or handing it over.

when you meet Me with the Scriptures in your hand and you see what I have accomplished before time began, that's My way of telling you that I've got you covered.

I told Thomas after My Son was resurrected, "blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." {John 20.29} I was talking about you.

I gave you a finite mind so that you would trust Me.

remember how I healed a woman on the way to resurrect a girl? I am not bound by one situation. I am not focused on one thing while the rest of My world spins out of control.

My part has never changed. I am the Beginning and the End. {Revelation 22.13}

the day I put this calling on your heart, I saw you holding kavita for the first time at the orphanage.

Shauna, you tell Me often that you want to finish strong and arrive to her country ready to receive her, not worn out from the race.

I'm working this out for My glory and My Namesake and it's for your good and the good of your family, including kavita. I have nothing but Love for My children.

so My arms are open and wanting to hold you. My love for you covers and heals and restores and comforts and protects and is enough. I am giving you rest from all that you let in your mind. I can handle it. so hand it over and rest in Me.

God, i have made this all about me. about what i want and what i think i need and what i think is best. i hand over my pride and arrogance. i let go of my desires and keep my hands open to receive what You want to give me. i am sorry for my selfish ambitions. i ultimately want to know You more.  I do want to finish strong. I'm sorry for not trusting You to complete what You've started.

and about those open arms...thank You, Father. it feels good to be loved and held and spoken truth.

Your daughter,

shauna

{maybe it's an adoption journey, maybe it's parenting or marriage or career or finances. it's easy to talk things out with another human being that you can see and responds back with what you want to hear and in a clear audible voice. but friend, God wants to hear from you. and it's not having the right words to say that He's interested in. He invites us in to ask questions and share our fears, but be open and willing to change and surrender and acknowledge Who He is because He is God and we are not. He is Love and it covers every hurt and lonely and wandering heart. so for the first time or 543rd time, share your heart with Him. He's present and near and real.}