it was a quick slip into a pit of sadness at 3 pm on saturday.

i don't understand or have the fluffy words i once had. i've sang songs for decades that declare that God is good and sovereign and I've been sitting in the pit wrestling with God over the truth of WHO HE is and if i can still believe it.

if He is a circumstantial God then He has disappointed me.

He would have been good on wednesday when we had an upcoming court date and I'd be mad at Him on friday because the court date now says march 26. if He is a circumstantial God then He forgot to show up in egypt when 21 Jesus cross followers lost their heads for His sake or when a motocyclist on a clear Sunday afternoon was hit head on along the coast of california. or in His love, He would have stopped this.

but God is not a circumstantial God.

His character is not dependent on what is happening in my life or in this world. He has a plan that hasn't been thwarted since the beginning of time and it's redemptive and eternal.

now...this doesn't make the longing easier for my daughter. it doesn't answer all the questions swirling in our heads.

but it does squelch the lie that God is manipulated and controlled by my circumstances.

He is the Author of life and the Giver of breath to my lungs. circumstances run through His fingers not the other way around.

i'm still in the wrestling.

the back-and-forthing.

one struggle: God, You are good and Your ways are best.

the other: God, why another delay? i want an explanation. {my husband reminds that i probably could not handle the explanation, but sometimes i'd like to try!}

do you see how the wrestling will continue as long as i try to pair Him with my circumstances?

i won't ever be satisfied.

so i choose to relinquish control. a control i never had.

this was His idea to begin with and we said yes in obedience and excitement, not having any idea of the twists and turns, the pits and mountains we would experience along the way.

i choose to believe the Bible that powerfully declares that He is a great, great God who sees me and hears me and loves me.

i choose to let Him pull me out of the pit of sadness and walk in joy through this trial.

i choose to cheer on the other adopting families who have hearings this week in the very same court room that we are assigned.

this doesn't come as easy as flipping on a switch.

i have gently had to close k's bedroom door for right now. my to-do list of getting home ready for her has been tucked away behind the calendar on the fridge. her july 2013 picture has been removed from the little table that sits between ben and i each morning. my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. i'm having to put this "on the shelf" to function and live.

and i can do this because God knows what my heart longs for most. to have this little girl rescued and brought into our forever family to experience love here and in the life to come. but what i can say i long for the most today is to know Him in His sufferings and in the power of His resurrection.

because we know that while the website says march 26, anything can happen in the system between now and then. even then, it's a hearing. not necessarily the last. this certainly doesn't mean we are done praying for God to work supernaturally and bring into existence what doesn't exist. i'm still hopeful that our contact can get in touch with our lawyer who can get the court officials to grant an earlier date.

but i can't bind God to this scenario. He's beyond that. in fact, my childhood faith tells my adult faith that He can do even better than this scenario. {and i tend to like my scenario!}

because this i know...

this story continues to draw me to Him {and you too, i'm guessing}

God is going to get every bit of glory in this

every orphan is worth this kind of pursuit

remember that pit of sadness? we're all susceptible to it.  
and guess who meets us there? 
the God who sees me, loves and rescues.