unraveled at best.

i've come apart.

i've tried to hold it together.

to relish the Christmas season.

but in the unraveling, God has gotten the real me. 

just as He in human form entered the world bare, i have given my heart bare to Him this Advent.

aching comes with vulnerability. aching comes with exposure.

but so does healing.

in the unraveling, i feel Him presently holding me, presently powerful still.

"come thou long-expected Jesus," i continue to say and my soul says it when my mind is not thinking it.

 

i ache and hurt and wait and wonder.

i thank God for literally showing us she is healthy and well.

i have heard others have found hope by following our journey.

i've grown faint in asking God the same thing over and over again.

what man intended for evil - court, stuck, politics, cultural status, money, power

God intends for good - a year ago i was asking God for ARC and NOC and found out one month later we would be denied K.

this year, i had ornaments ready for her to hang and Christmas crafts for her to do, a stocking, Christmas bag, all for her.

yet they remain tucked away for another year.

Joseph sat in prison. in slavery.

Paul sat in prison too.

Ruth committed herself to her mother-in-law, to a very different culture and a different God.

Jonah spent some unneeded time in the belly of a fish.

Noah, i'm certain, had quite a number of splinters and bruised thumbs.

Job. well his life.

what good can come from this?

why won't You intervene?

what's taking You so long?

we said, "yes." why must this be so hard?

where is justice?

where is mercy?

Joseph, Paul, Ruth, Jonah, Noah, Job, to name a few, had to endure.

they had to endure prison, years of construction, beatings, loss and grieving, being sold, widowhood.

because it was all a part of His plan.

because God intended good since creation.

because He came to earth to break the silence and fulfill the longing.

so come Thou long-expected Jesus.

work this out for Your good.

break the silence.

fulfill the longing in our hearts.

the longing in her heart to be with her forever family.

this Christmas Eve, will you pause and thank God for coming to us. for being near? then will you ask that He will break the silence in our adoption case and move us into a hearing and through the hearings to have custody of K?

from my unraveled heart,

shauna